Saving up for a car so i can run myself over

School hasn't even started and I feel like death. LIFE hasn't even started and I feel like death. 

This isn't really healthy, being only sixteen and complaining about my life. Wow, a teenage girl complaining about her life where she has great friends and gets to go to a well regarded school! How original and not stupid at all!

My senior year officially starts in a few days and this is ,truly, the least excited I've ever been for the first day of school. Senior Year definitely is the worst year that a student can deal with, because you suddenly having to deal with everything all at once. Why should I have to make time to prepare a large amount of college applications when I should be studying for finals that will also get me into said colleges? It makes no sense to have to suddenly push all this responsibilities onto someone you were calling a kid just a year ago and expecting them to make the right choice immediately. I'm so tired of adults asking me "what major are you thinking of pursuing" then being disappointed when they realize that I won't be making a 900 thousand dollar income immediately, that I won't even get a job because I have no experience and I have no experience because I don't have a job. And I KNOW I shouldn't be complaining about my own life choices because it was ME that hasn't been studying, it was ME who made the choice of my major and it's MY life. I'm not not privileged. So I'm going to end this rant now before I dig a bigger hole for myself. 

But again, I've never been less excited about going back to school, it's like all the joy has been sucked out of my soul in an instant. If I never saw half of the people that I know now, I wouldn't mind! And I know that some people from my school will be reading this: if so, hi, I hope my projected insecurity has rubbed off on you already and yes I am totally talking about you and only you. Like, what is there to be excited about for Senior Year? The only thing people are thinking about here is how to find the best way to brag about getting into an ivy league and making everyone else (with different ideas of success) feel bad. There's this thing that always happens around December where people are getting into their early decisions or whatever, and they're jumping up and down cheering - I don't want to be seeing that! And the fact that this time, the people that are going to be making a scene, are going to be people in MY grade? I don't want to be seeing that! God, I sound like the worst most bitter person on Earth. Sorry.

As I am currently on a whole mental breakdown word vomit, I would like to admit that I'm probably going to delete this blog soon. This is an impromptu decision, but it's not like anyone who's interested is actually reading this blog post. I wouldn't be surprised if someone just decided to stop halfway through my first paragraph, because I would do the same. If I don't delete my blog, I'll be deleting this blog post before any one of my friends can realize that I'm incredibly insufferable and insecure and stop wanting to be friends with me. 

Usually, I do this really embarrassing thing called "self promoting" on my close friends, where I push this blog in their face and tell them to read it. Given that most of my close friends won't even reply to a question on what color to paint my nails (rude), I doubt that they would even care to read this blog post if I did post it on my close friends. It also really hits me because I can see the amount of viewers on the blog go down, which is incredibly embarrassing. Granted, I would also not reply to question things on Instagram, they're a little desperate for attention (me).

Sorry for my whole rant, please don't send me to the school counselors again. Happy August 1st.