How many existential crises can a teenage girl go through?

I'm running out of good titles.

Hope everyone is doing okay because I'm not really doing okay. I've decided to adopt the 'i don't give a fuck' attitude for a lot of things, but it's hard to maintain that mindset when Sea, Swallow Me keeps making me go through the worst possible mood swings in existence. 

I find that deciding to just do what you want and (sort of) not care what people think is really the goal. Being able to do what you want whenever you want really demonstrates that you're thinking of yourself and you put yourself before everyone else. It's a hard mindset to get into but similar to the lucky girl syndrome, it makes you feel better about yourself. About others. You just feel happier. I might not be there yet but I'll get there.

Given that I currently live in Asia, I find it interesting how my school has just started slowly encouraging the gradual disappearance of COVID-19 by letting people take off their masks and just get everyone infected. Honestly a win. In the case of this country, I find that everyone has mostly adopted this COVID-19 culture of masks and making it into some sort of norm, while Americans or Europeans would immediately get rid of it completely. I don't exactly know why but I find it extremely interesting ("Join the white kids and get rid of that mask!")

I feel like the mask has really been formed as a shield for myself and my own body dysmorphia (I'm not exactly sure if I want people in the future reading about my body dysmorphia in a job interview with the whole digital footprint and no privacy thing so I won't go into total detail). Going back to the idgaf attitude, it is VERY hard to keep it when you can hear your mind screaming at you when you're looking at yourself in the mirror under the school's unbearable fluorescent lighting. Gross. Lucky I have friends that are encouraging and are sort of peer pressure-y people.

Something my older sister had told me during summer was that you don't always have the friends you've had in your first two years of high school. It's a bit funny how I immediately responded with "yeah but me and them aren't like that!" with the a high amount of confidence, given the current situation now. I feel like you can never really regret friendships. Even if it may not have turned out the way you wanted it to, you can still cherish those past memories and positive feelings of a person without having to interact with them. I find that is something you can't really have with romantic relationships. According to TIME, one of the factors why a friendship breakup can hurt more is because it's more sudden, and causes an unexpected sort of heartbreak. In a romantic relationship you expect it coming, you have the chocolates and the rom com chosen out. There aren't enough movies about friendships breaking up. This got a bit too real I hope no one ever sees this. 

Speaking of romantic relationships, Valentine's Day is coming up! Shhh don't tell anyone but I bought 3 valentine grams for the price of 10 dollars! A Real Price Win or a Scam?