Revelations

Attempting at Being More Interesting than I am. Otherwise known as having an existential crisis. 

I feel like the need to be an original thought has almost become impossible within our current society. Even the use of 'an original thought' isn't original. If I wanted to, I could attempt to become something different, something that stands out, but it already feels like everything has been done already. I can't create something that isn't heavily influenced by a piece of media already.

When my mom asked me about college and what I wanted to do, I panicked. I don't know if I have the capacity of becoming something great, and maybe that's what is holding me back. I want to be one of the greats, I want to be influential, but how can I be that when the society that we have is already deteriorating. A part of me understands what I'm feeling, how I cannot possibly become someone as great and outwardly loved like Leonardo Da Vinci or Mozart, but the other part of me believes that if I continue with this mindset that it is very unlikely that I will get to that place. I want to be influential. I want someone to read or watch or hear something that I might've written or said and have that completely alter their mindset. I want to help people throughout their childhood, throughout their adolescence, throughout their adulthood. I want to know that I’m making a positive impact on people.

I want to be influential, but I'm holding myself back because I am scared of the failure that I know is guaranteed. 

That's why my goal for this new year is to become more confident in myself. I need to let go of my insecurities, no matter how hard that may be, and take every opportunity to grow and start to believe in myself. And if I don't get something the exact way I want it? Everything happens for a reason. At least I had the chance to try. 

Look at me, already working on my lucky girl affirmations. Wow. COVID really granted my some self healing.