I want to move but I'm scared of change

 I've been sitting in the same spot for hours.

Go read this article instead of this blog post: https://i-d.vice.com/en/article/j58v77/greta-gerwigs-guide-to-becoming-a-real-person 

If you do end up continuing to read this blog post, still go back and read that article because I like it a lot! Also, I'm thinking of moving from blogger to substack since it's what my favorite blogger did and I like to copy everything that she does.

But the concept of moving this blog to a whole new website feels like such a betrayal. As if by moving one http link to another, I'll be betraying my entire junior year existence that I spent on this website, like I'll be leaving this all behind and forgetting everything that I felt comfortable enough to release onto the internet. I just spent like twenty minutes rereading my previous blog posts and all it did was make me more emotional. How did this blog go from something fun that my friends would comment on into writing that I should probably leave in my journal? No one read my previous blog post-granted it wasn't very good-but I miss when people would. I also miss when people would comment. I need the validation.

That being said, I'm like 100% sure that no one will comment on this blog post because no one will know what to say to me. 

But at the same time, with these more emotional and vulnerable blog posts, I just feel less comfortable with sharing them with my friends. They shouldn't feel obligated to read these, plus I don't want my depression to rub off on them. Like, I'm too scared to tell them what I'm going through because I'm scared of what they'll think of me. But at the same time, if my friend posted this blog, I would want to check in on them. I don't know if they'd do the same for me, or I don't know if they would want to do the same for me. Because I don't want anyone to worry for me, it's not worth their time, and it would be selfish of me to ask them for that type of attention.

In my opinion. 

I also like having an excuse to justify my actions, my issues. Like, when I go back to school, I probably won't be very extroverted because of my studies, which I'm okay with. I'm not going to say more because people might get mad at me.

I think this summer has been really rough on me, which is ironic because all I did was lay in bed and sink further and further in my own hole of self pity. I kind of wish that someone that I don't know eventually finds this blog and somehow finds relatability or comfort in the more depressing type of posts that I put out, I don't know why though. Maybe it's because I need someone to just let me know that this is normal, to feel this way. 

But hey, exciting news! I'm going to get to go on a trip with my dad to look at some unis soon, I'm excited for the change of scenery.

Thank you to the one person who actually read my last blog post, I don't know how you found it because I deleted the close friends story right after!